Hope Ye in the Lord and Renew Your Strength

My husband has never taken responsibility for his own actions. Somehow he figures out a way to blame me for everything… During quiet times I try and show him how his actions are affecting his kids, he flew into a rage… He told me that its my fault he does this stuff. Andrea, How do you deal with this kind of sickness? I pray for him. He blames God for our finances, his work, our relationship. Is there help for a person like this or should I give up… Andrea, I am real tired.PS we did the whole counseling thing, when the doctor would disagree with him he would fly in to a rage and storm out of the office. ….Let me tell you it is really exhausting. I am getting real tired. I am a good mom. No one can tell me different, not even him.

Thanks for any help.
Tired Mom

**modified for length and to protect the writer’s privacy.

Dear Tired,

The first thing to give up is any attempts to change him. God can, but you can’t. There’s nothing you, a professional counselor, or I can do to make him take responsiblity for his behavior. I’ve found our attempts to change our men (there’s always something, even in healthy relationships) tend to backfire. All we can do is give them to God and take responsiblity for ourselves. Be prepared for that, when we wear out the carpet seeking God for help in our marriages, in my experience, God will deal with our spouses, but in responding to us, he will focus on what *we* need to change. When we’re getting torn down by our partners, we’re often too busy defending ourselves to take an honest inventory.

Don’t let him make you the victim. To begin with that means stop letting him make you defend yourself, take a breath, and strive to grow. I’ve found, Spiritually-speaking, that is the greatest danger to you. Physically, on the otherhand… when you married him, it was until death do you part, but that doesn’t mean you have to stay in a situation where you or your children are being hurt, so ask God if he would have you stay or leave. In abusive situations, remarrying is where I draw the line, that’s only biblical in cases of adultery, or as Paul said, if an unbelieving spouse divorces you.

If you think what I said about remarrying is harsh, take it up with Jesus, he was the one that called it adultery. (Which means if you do leave and he remarries, he’s even deeper in the spiritual stew, but you’re off the hook)

That said, the feeling I get is what you really need right now is a break. A christian woman’s retreat would give you the breather you need and help ground you spiritually. Take a look at your budget and see what you can afford.

Also, take stock of yourself spiritually. Are you in church? You need to surround yourself with women strong in the faith who can lift you up in prayer, as well as your husband. Taking off for a weekend (or longer if you can arrange it) with christian women you can trust could work wonders, too. It can be tough to do with children, but it’ll be worth it.

If you can’t, you also need to find a way to put at least 15 minutes aside (preferably closer to an hour if feasible) every day to get alone with God and let Him refresh your Spirit through prayer and His word. A devotional can help, too, both for it’s commentary and in choosing bible reading.

This is a case where the saying, “Let go and let God” is so true. If something new comes up, first calm down, pray, then talk to him once (sometimes in writing works best.) After that, leave it to God.

Isaiah 40:31 But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

Philipians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

We’ll be praying for you.

Love In Christ,