My husband, age 53, married 28 years, has been frequenting porn sites on the internet, but insists that he is “not addicted.” (As if that makes it all right…) Up until a year ago he was a faithful Christian, daily quiet time, consistent church attendance, Bible study, etc. We met while working for a missions organization. Now he has stopped going to church or Bible study. He refuses to discuss spiritual things with me.
My question is, what is my moral obligation with respect to his porn problem? Do I wait patiently and hope it goes away while I pray for him? Do I confront him? Do I withhold sex?
I am ready to take a stand and even force him to choose — me or porn. But I am not convinced that is the best approach. What do you advise?
Your husband is a classic case of how porn poisons a man and robs him of everything he once held dear. Heâ€™s also a classic addict, in that he denies having a problem and is in desperate need of an intervention. Since he has refused to hear you, do as the bible says and take one or two others from the church (such as your pastor and his wife) with you.
If your church doesnâ€™t have adequate experience dealing with porn addictions, you may want to visit the following page http://www.intervention911.com/intervention911_porn_info.htm and consider calling their number for a free consultation on conducting an intervention. Note I have no relationship with these people and cannot vouch for them.
Another page, with information on interventions, is: http://www.addictionintervention.com/intervention/what_is_int_fa.asp
A page with more specific information:
This last one was written with substance abuse problems in mind, but many of the same principles apply to this kind of addiction as well.
Lastly, a specifically Christian resource: http://www.truthminers.com/truth/help_for_porn_addicts.htm
Another Christian resource with information on porn addiction: http://www.xxxchurch.com/index2.htm
Note itâ€™s designed to make porn addicts mad by tricking them onto the page.
I have to agree with them, your husband needs counseling to overcome this addiction, and you both will need counseling for your marriage to survive, and you have every right to make getting that counseling a prerequisite, although to warn you, using the language of an ultimatum tends to backfire with most men, so youâ€™ll need to be careful with how you word it and say it. Gentle, loving, but firm. You need your brothers and sisters in Christ, and His Spirit, to accomplish that.
I donâ€™t blame you one bit for being squeamish about sleeping with him at this time. Heâ€™s committing adultery with a fantasy woman. Jesus made no bones about that, â€œWhoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart..â€ (Matthew 5:28, Modern KJV) Heâ€™s also already broken his vows in his heart.
Pray for him no matter what, but it wonâ€™t go away on itâ€™s own. If your heart is telling you spiritual adultery isnâ€™t sufficient cause for divorce, the sad truth is, heâ€™ll likely give you cause soon enough, if he doesnâ€™t first admit he has a problem and get help, as this will grow worse and worse until he acts on his fantasies. Depending on what heâ€™s viewing, acting out his fantasies could rightfully land him in a jail cell as well as in divorce court.
Some reading this are wondering: How does a godly, Christian man end up in such a trap? Before you question his ever having been seriously committed to Christ, remember men are visual creatures, the sight of a woman in any state of undress is as stimulating for them as loving caress is for a woman. Those images tend to stick in the memory indefinitely and are hard to get rid of. Most men are first introduced to pornographic images quite by accident, perhaps in a place as seemingly innocent as the lingerie section of a department store, and too often they first are fed this poison as young boys, with the image lying dormant for years only to be triggered again some time after puberty. Some of our men successfully brandish their swords and shields and dodge this too-common fiery dart of the enemy. Others are hit and fall before it, as this husband has, tearing apart his household in the process.
Because this is such a terrible weakness for men, I must add that way too much of the attire modern society approves of falls into the category of undress, as young women have been taught to be stumbling stones to our poor men. Every young woman reading this column should carefully and prayerfully examine her wardrobe, lest she, in fact, be the first â€œpornographic imageâ€ to take root in her Christian brotherâ€™s soul. Anything that accentuates and shows off your feminine figure could be a gateway to a dark, unending nightmare for a man and his family. While the world flaunts it, may the women of God save it for their husbands eyes, lest she cause her brother to stumbleâ€”not to mention damage her own witness. Men donâ€™t take objects of their lust too serious, last I checked.
I know what you’re thinking, Ladies, I’ve had the same thoughts. I plead with you as Sisters in the Lord, for once, cut the excuses and put our brothers’ weakness ahead of your freedom.
Love in Christ,
Trackposted to Adam’s Blog,Rightwing Guy, Perri Nelson’s Website, third world county, The Random Yak, The Hill Chronicles, Stuck On Stupid, The Bullwinkle Blog, Dumb Ox News, and Conservative Cat, thanks to Linkfest Haven Deluxe.