Â Dear Andrea,
I was searching for some â€œCounselâ€ on this subject myself, and found it comforting to find your comments and advice on the effects of pornography on a marriage relationship. I have also had this issue affect my life for the past six years. A few months into our marriage I discovered my husband was looking at porn in the internet. I was shocked since he had portrayed himself to be a very dedicated Christian man when I married him, and I believed our sex life was awesome. He also had never admitted he had an addiction to the porn and has never admitted to how often he visits these sites. I know of dozens of times because of finding evidence in our internet history. As the years went by the sites he visited were more and more â€œhard-coreâ€. Yet he never admitted he was â€œaddictedâ€. He continued to go to church and appear to be a devoted Christian husband and leader to the outside world. It has affected how I see him as a husband and a man. It has affected me sexually, because I do feel like he has cheated on me. We have gone to two different counselors, and each time I hoped it would stop. It didnâ€™t. He became more clever in covering his tracks. And it is true that he also had other areas in his life that Satan was also able to infiltrate. He is very emotionally and sometimes verbally abusive to me. He has often made me feel like I am to blame for his actions. Even though he now claims he no longer looks at porn, I donâ€™t believe him because nothing has changed in the way he treats me. And he has never shown any remorse for what he did and has never really agreed to ways to become more accountable by putting â€œblocksâ€ on his computer or by seeking intensive counseling for addiction (which he wouldn not do since he doesnâ€™t believe he ever had an addiction to it). At this point I feel like my relationship and faith in him has been damaged to the point that I no longer want to be his wife. I do feel that our marriage bed has been defiled, and his claims that he no longer looks at porn does not suffice to mend any damage done, especially when he continues to have this hot/cold attitude toward me. As a Christian woman I feel especially betrayed, because I believed I was married to a man of God, whom I could trust. And now, being a Christian woman, I suffer with guilt for wanting to divorce himâ€¦..yet I know I cannot endure the mental anguish this causes for me being his wife.–Leah K.
Dear, you canâ€™t handle this alone. Talk to your pastor, other women who have been through this. Give counseling one last chance before you give up on him. Let him know as quietly and gently as possible, if he doesnâ€™t take his problem serious and get help, he will lose you.
And for the record, itâ€™s not your fault. The addiction feeds itself. No real woman can compare to the fantasy porn creates. Porn warps a manâ€™s mind to view all women as sex objects, and most fail to measure up to the fantasy. He may or may not have stopped, the poison remains in the manâ€™s system long after heâ€™s quit feeding new images into his brain. If he has stopped, though, nagging and continued distrust will be used as an excuse to go back.
Try explaining to him how this has broken your trust and that you need help from a third party to regain it and would like him to go with you to counseling. Emphasizing how this has effected you and your need may make it easier for him, and the counselor may be able to help him take more responsibility for what heâ€™s done.
What it comes down to is thisâ€“if after serious prayer, you reach peace that what he has done is adultery and you are free from your vowsâ€“before you take that step, let him know whatâ€™s coming and give him a chance to make things right.
But you must remain calm and use non-accusatory language (I feel I canâ€™t trust you, rather than youâ€™ve broken my trust.) Hysterics and statements like, â€œYou neverâ€¦â€ and â€œYou alwaysâ€¦â€ , while understandable, will put most men on the defensive and ultimately backfires
Another great page I came across, that may help: Dear Hearts–Encouragement for the spouse of a porn addict
And hereâ€™sa support group for those affected by a friend or relativeâ€™s sexual addiction:
And you might be interested in the Christian Wives of Addicts which has a forum for wives of porn addicts.
By the way, if you decide to confront him again, try practicing by â€œrole playingâ€ with a trusted friend until you know you can say what needs said and remain calm.
Thank you for your comments on this blog. I’m glad to be of service.
In Christ’s Love,
Trackposted to Outside the Beltway, Perri Nelson’s Website, Is It Just Me?, The Random Yak, Woman Honor Thyself, Adam’s Blog, stikNstein… has no mercy, Big Dog’s Weblog, basil’s blog, Stuck On Stupid, The Bullwinkle Blog, Dumb Ox Daily News, and Right Voices, thanks to Linkfest Haven Deluxe.