Body Upgrades Available

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If someone was selling a body upgrade, would you be interested?

Psst. I know a guy who’s offering them, he happens to be the guy who programmed the actual reality that we live in, including us natural intelligences he has designed to be sentient and have personalities and feelings and creative abilities and, well, to be alive like he is. He made the original pair of natural intelligences as administrators who report to him. An ex-employee fired for being uppity abused the way he designed us, convincing our ancestors to download a bunch of junk that corrupted both of our parent programs, causing their bodies to break down and them to not function as originally designed, and we inherit this corruption from them. We’re so important in actual reality, because of this, our whole actual reality is slowly descending into a serious meltdown. So the programmer has started work on an upgrade, which he promises to release as soon as he’s satisfied everyone has had a chance to hear the news and agree to take part in the upgrade and be transferred over.

Actual Reality’s programmer has not told us much about what exactly our new bodies will look like, but he provided a sneak preview, having already upgraded his only son, and no one tries anything on their own beloved kid that isn’t safe. Plus this guy has made full disclosure about himself, so a few things we can know about his new product, based on who he is and what we know about his current product (and what he has identified as being the junk):

 

• Your new body will be absolutely flawless, perfectly fashioned in every way.

• It will never break down. It will never grow old, it will never waste away, it will never cease working and turn to dust.

• Your new body will probably have the same basic DNA as your current DNA, which partially defines you who you are. Your new body will probably come loaded with the data you’ve saved to your current body, including the nervous system and muscular-skeletal systems, but likely your customizations to your actual reality outward appearance will be nontransferable.

• All of the junk code and junk data that is corrupting you, causing you to break down and die, and preventing you from being who the programmer intended you to be will be deleted in the upgrade. The more junk you have, the less in sync you are with You 2.0.

The junk files scheduled for deletion are all in the contract. The programmer advises you to carefully read the contract and be sure you understand it before you give your consent. While you will be charged nothing for your upgrade to You 2.0 and no assembly is required, contrary to popular rumor, he does have some terms and conditions that you should be aware of:

• You will still be a natural intelligence and merely made to be like our Programmer, not an actual Programmer yourself or even the equal of our Programmer. You will not get to be your own Programmer and write your own code. Sorry. In our programmer’s reality, the ex-employee who started that rumor is a con artist running his racket from a prison cell.

• You must accept no substitutions for our Programmer, including yourself, other natural intelligences, and the programmer deniers’ illogical claims actual reality programmed and built itself using some of the junk destroying actual reality. If you die while in violation of this term of your contract with the Programmer, or dispute what constitutes junk and demand the right to hang onto yours, you will be deleted with your junk. This will result in you remaining consciously aware in our Programmer’s recycle bin, forever cut off from him and everyone else.

• You 2.0 will not be prone to develop any programming errors.

• You 2.0 will love and trust your programmer fully and do what he says gladly, out of a grateful heart devoted to him.

• Your new body will be heterosexual (possibly asexual, depending on how you read his contract’s terms and conditions) and the same gender as your current genetic code, your body will properly develop as your actual gender, and your new brain will be on the same page as your new body and your upgraded genetic code on what gender you are.

• Your new body won’t have mental disorders, learning disabilities, physical disabilities, ADHD, autism, depression, emotional disturbances, or addictive tendencies.

• In your new body, you will hate lying and would never steal, kill, or destroy anything. You won’t be selfish or proud or rude or easily angered. You will be truthful, loving, joyful, hopeful, peaceful, good, humble, generous, respectful, self-controlled, you won’t be prone to think evil of others, you won’t dwell on past wrongs, and you will be the sort of person who naturally places the interests of others first, and so will everyone else. You will also be loyal, dependable, responsible, stable, unafraid, single-minded, and keep all of your promises and commitments to others.

• In your new body, you will have a face to face relationship with your programmer, know him intimately, and be with him always.

• Your old body must die in this actual reality and return to dust before you will be loaded in your new body in the upgraded reality.

• The programmer gets to decide when it’s time for you to die.

• In the meantime, if you accept his contract, terms and conditions and all, as a guarantee of his promised upgrade to this new body, he connects your current one directly to him, so he can speak into your heart and breath the essence of who you will be in upgraded reality into you now. You will slowly become more like You 2.0 in this life and will hate the junk in your corrupt body and seek to be rid of it, long to be at minimum.

• If you do not experience any change in you, double check to ensure you have accepted a genuine copy of the contract. A genuine contract with the programmer includes a line on which you must declare you are acknowledging the programmer’s authority over you. Please do not bother to sign up unless you sincerely do respect the programmer’s authority over you and are willing to be upgraded however he sees fit.

• The programmer has put his son in charge of running both actual reality and upgraded reality. To be upgraded and have a relationship with the Programmer, we must have a relationship with his son, a legit natural intelligence like us, only uncorrupted and is also an actual reality exact representation of his Father. The son was instrumental in the original programming of actual reality and only the son is holding it together. Oh yeah, in order to pay the costs for this upgrade and make it all possible, the programmer’s son, who is known as Jesus Christ in English, also gave his actual reality life on a Roman cross, roughly 2,000 years ago in actual reality time, and rose again the third day.