To Go or Not to Go…

 Dear Andrea,
After a weekened visit to my parents house by myself, i came back home with an awkward feeling and some suspicions. I checked our computers history, and to my surprise found a bunch of pornorgraphic websites that my husband had visited over the weekened..all viewed at night time. Due to his actions i lost complete trust in him and am having a hard time regaining it back. I feel like our sex life has gone down hill. My husband makes me feel like a sex object that is only used to his advantage. One evening while taking a walk i decided to take the opportunity to confront him about it. He looked embarrased and ashamed…and he denied it at first..until i got the truth out of him. The sad thing is that i live with the guilt of wanting to divorce him. We have a three mth old baby together which we both love dearly. Would i be a bad mother/spouse for leaving my husband and my baby without a father?


Unhappy Wife

Dear Unhappy wife,

I understand your feelings. It is a hard thing to deal with. Put yourself in your husband’s shoes. If you were in his position, would he be a bad husband and father for divorcing you and taking the children from you?
Adultery is an offense you can biblically divorce over, and based on scripture and the nature of the beast, porn can be considered a form of adultery. But do unto others as you would have them do unto you. If your husband is willing to work things out and take the steps necessary to be faithful to you from now on, by all means, stay, get into counseling with him, and get yourself the help you need to come to terms with this.
If, however, he will not repent, and you’ve given him every opportunity to, and your conscience doesn’t tell you otherwise, then you are free.

If the child is a boy, I highly recommend Bringing Up Boys: Practical Advice and Encouragement for Those Shaping the Next Generation of Men. As the book says, boys need their fathers to learn how to be a man. A girl likewise learns how to relate to her husband from her relationship with her father. An absent father is associated with sexual disorders and disfunctions of all colors.

But any father isn’t necessarily better than none. An emotionally absent father (which porn addicts have a high rate of being) or otherwise not modeling positive, loving relationships can be just as bad. If the addict will not repent and straighten his life out, the child will suffer whether you divorce him or not. So for the ladies dealing with a stiff-necked man who won’t repent and turn back to his covenant, if the Lord releases you, if you trust Him, He can also provide a good father for your children (one way or another.)

But if he will repent–stick it out and get to counseling for help to heal the breach and rebuild trust. It may seem hopeless now, but by the grace of God, your marriage can recover. It takes both spouses being committed to working it out, however.

In Christ’s Love,

Andrea Graham

Coming April 2007–Light at the Edge of Darkness–Advance Orders