Freedom from Shame

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Patricia writes:
> After praying that a soul tie be severed, when does the freedom from
> that soul tie begin?  When does the shame stop?

Dear Patricia,

Every journey to healing is different, Patricia. It’s much like when we first get saved. Some pray to receive Jesus and literally feel the weight of their sins lifted off them and never feel a serious temptation to go back to the old strongholds. Others struggle for years before getting the victory.

Either way, when we repent, God forgives instantly. Sometimes, though we still have to struggle with the consequences, such as a soul tie–which is simply a fancy word for human bonding, which is seen in the parent-child relationship, between siblings, and close friends as well as in romantic relationships. The soul tie is why breaking up hurts so bad and is a big reason sexual sin can be so difficult to overcome.

Shame is a different issue entirely, though. The devil wants to see the husband-wife tie severed and to keep in tact those ties we don’t have, so he’ll contrive ways to see you back in bondage. You can’t let a fear of backsliding rule you, but you do have to be alert to his schemes. One of which is shame.

It’s possible to no longer be bonded to the person, to no longer feel a pain over not being with them, no longer desire it on any level, to no longer harbor romantic feelings for them, in short, to be totally free of the soul tie, and still be continually reminded by the devil of the sin you committed with them and made to feel dirty and condemned.

The devil is the accuser of the brethren. He finds something to shame all of us about. At some point, we need to say, “Enough is enough. That was then, this is now. I am washed, I am sanctified, I am filled with the Holy Spirit, and made righteous and clean in every way! The past is past. I am a new creation in Christ; the old things are passed away, the new has come. I’m going to forget those things which lay behind and reach for those things that lay head, pressing for the mark for the prize of the high calling in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

It’s scripture. We don’t have to “feel it.” We have to believe it and declare it over ourselves in faith until we do feel it.

When we finally stand up to him, and make it clear we mean it, the devil flees. Even if he comes back again later, every time we stand fast in the liberty by which Christ has made us free, we get stronger and our enemy weaker.

But sometimes, we need someone to come beside us and lift us up in 1 on 1 counseling/mentoring, preferably with your pastor, or a sister in your local church body (or community at least) who is trained in biblical counseling.


In Christ’s Victory,

Andrea Graham
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Heart Matters

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I am a very happily married woman of three years. My husband is honestly all I could have ever asked for and more, but it seems as though at least two or three times a year I find myself thinking of my first love. I find myself missing him wondering if he ever thinks of me. We dated for a long time and I thought he was the man I was going to marry but he broke things off and that was a very traumatic experience for me. I am a very happy mother and wife so I am wondering why I am getting these feelings! I wrote a letter trying to find closure and my husband read it and said he would like me to first pray about it and talk to the girls in my accountability group about it. After talking with them they said it would not be in my best interest to send it. I feel like no one understands what I am going through. I don’t know where this emotion is coming from. I was hoping you would be able to give me some helpful advice! Thank you for taking the time to read this if nothing else.–Darci

Dear Darci,

I feel your pain, really, I do. That was very brave of you to share this with your group, bravo. I understand how alone you must feel. Most never have the courage to bring this sort of thing into the light. To me, this sounds like a spiritual attack straight from the pits of hell. If there’s one thing the devil hates most on this earth, it’s a happy marriage, and he’ll do whatever he can to bust it up, or at least end the happy part, if not the married part. If you’d married your first love, he’d still try to find someone to tempt you with, to shame and distress you if he can’t create actual martial strife. Temptation is not a sin, acting on it is, and dwelling on it can become sin. Writing a letter for closure’s not entirely a bad idea, but sending it probably is. I don’t think it’d lead to closure, but rather open the door wider and take more peace away rather than giving it.

As I said, a large part of this is coming from the devil, but I think I also smell what we call in Christianese a soul tie. In standard English, that’s an emotional/spiritual bond formed in intimate relationships, usually physical, but not always, and as you said, you’d thought you were going to marry this guy, and such anticipation usually involves giving him your heart, and while he’s out of your life and the heart has been broken, mended, and deeded to your husband in full, as is all too common, the former tie is still there, and a piece of your heart missing. Closure often means getting that piece back and severing the soul tie between you and your first love, and the person to turn to for that, the bible also refers to as our first love (meaning Jesus.) Christ can mend broken hearts and retrieve what is lost, He’s the first person to contact. Seek Him in prayer and ask him to break the tie/bring closure. Likewise, I will pray for you as well.

If, after much prayer, you feel the Lord is telling you it’s necessary to contact your old boyfriend to heal, I’d suggest letting your husband protect you. In other words, ask your husband to initiate the contact on your behalf (by whatever means), and by all means, don’t meet, phone, or do anything with this man without your husband there with you. The sole purpose of any contact should be to sever the old tie and heal your heart, so your husband will possess all of it and so the devil will have one less piece of ammo to use against you.

If for some reason your husband isn’t able/willing to play the role I’ve prescribed, ask your pastor or other spiritual mentor for this assistance.

In Christ’s Love,
Andrea Graham

P.S. Readers, this letter is case-in-point why I advocate the principles of traditional courtship rather than modern dating. Which is better, trying on one or more men and giving away pieces of your heart to several different people before finding the right one, thereby not having an intact-heart to present to your true love but rather a bunch of potential martial hazards, pain, and regrets? Or focusing all premarital romantic relationships on prayerfully exploring the possibility of marriage in the immediate future, while guarding your heart so you can walk away as friends if needs be and thereby still be able to present your heart in-tact to your spouse at the wedding?
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